It was 2013. I had quit my job with nothing lined up. After having recently had an anniversary there. 10 years. I knew if I didn’t leave, I’d easily be there another 10 years.
At first, it was a thrill. Driving against traffic. All the cars headed off in one direction. Brake lights. And me driving along the opposite way. Smooth sailing. My ego laughing, “I’m out of the rat race suckers!” As if I’d figured something out, that everyone else hadn’t. I was free.
Right off the bat, I got a freelance job directing some commercials. I had always wanted to be a director (to be the noun, do the verb), but my previous 10 year+ gig had been in editing. I made some money. Did some good work. Played some tennis with a friend.
But then winter came. And the work dried up. And suddenly, things weren’t so easy. In the spring. A montage of repetitive imagery. Pushing shopping carts, lawn mowers. Grass growing. Grass mowing. Grass growing. Grass mowing. Didn’t I want to escape such repetition?
Never before having worried about the yard, I found myself doing a lot of yard work. I devoured books by Joseph Campbell, philosophy, new age, spirituality, psychology. Got focused on self improvement.
In the end you quit your running, you quit trying to escape. You drop to your knees, in tears. And tears turn to blessings. You start accepting. You realize how hard you’ve been on yourself. How driven you are. And self improvement, begins to become self acceptance. And slowly you start liking the person you are. No longer pointing fingers at parents or bosses, but accepting your past, so you can move forward.
Summer comes and your friends help you out of your shell. You spend time by rivers, and enjoy gatherings. The many birthdays in a year.
Fall comes and the leaves are beautiful.
Winter comes and you worry, it’ll be like last winter. But it’s a new winter. And you’re a new you. The old you. Minus so much of the fear and pain.